#013 - There's One Wrong Way

I have eaten many, many Reese's cups in my day. They are a favorite of mine, they are a favorite of my family's, every Christmas I get a giant bag of them in my stocking, yeah I pretty much devour any Reese's cup that has crossed my path.

If there's one thing I've learned through this time, it's that Reese's definitely come in two very distinct varieties--one that is awesome, and one that sucks. I'm not saying they are manufactured any different, or that there are two Reese's factories out there and one of them screwed the pooch on the recipe. There are probably a number of factors that lead to this schism. Before we get into those, though, let's take a look at the distinct qualities of both tribes:

-AWESOME-

Generally sleeker. The chocolate on the outside is crisper, you can run your finger across the top and not pick up any residue. The chocolate is not melty, in fact, often times when you remove the brown paper wrapping from the outside, the tops of the tiny crown around the fringe will crumble off into your lap. This is always a good sign. The peanut butter inside is smoother, creamier, not clumpy.

-SUCKY-

Generally less appetizing. The first sign is that the chocolate is of a lighter complexion or melty. If you lightly press your finger into the top it will bring back a splotch of chocolate with it, or leave an indentation in the surface. When you remove the wrapper, the chocolate is very likely to remain stuck to the bottom. Inside, the peanut butter is clumpy and dry, lacking a smooth consistency. Your mouth is not as pleased when eating this variety.

For those of you who appreciate visual stimulus in addition to verbal, I have obtained the following photos, courtesy of me at lunchtime.

Notice the bitemarks. Instead of a clean, crisp break from the remainder of the cup, the chocolate is smeared and sticky. This is also not good for teeth. Leads often to the dreaded crap-across-your-front-teeth look that results in minutes of ridicule and a significant drop in self confidence.

A terrific example. Instead of being crisp and upright, the crowns along the outside rim are melted and droopy. The chocolate is completely stuck to the bottom of the wrapper, and has a light brown color. The peanut butter inside is visibly clumpy, even on a camera phone.

There are many possible explanations for this phenomenon, though I think it relies not heavily on one, but rather on a combination. They might be significantly older than the awesome variety, having sat on the shelf for considerably longer and more prone to the wear and tear we all experience with age. They're also probably not being stored in the proper climate. Too warm, too humid, a dank closet somewhere, possibly even dating back to their original production and shipment. And last, but least likely, they could have even been made in a separate batch. Maybe 3rd shift, when the best batchmasters have gone home for the day and are sleepy snugly in bed, knowing the sheer volume of delicious cups they have produced. The newbies and low-wage workers take over for the night shift, tired and unfocused, maybe the production line is hurried. I'm not sure what the explanation, but these cups are clearly less appetizing. For all of these reasons though, I would suggest finding a store that you can rely upon for the preferred cups. Probably one that rotates through its stock often and keeps the room a cool, moderate temperature.

If you're unsure of the variety one store might be selling, however, you could employ a few tricks to help make that judgment last minute. Sometimes I like to lightly press on the outside of the package with the tip of my finger, see if I can feel a noticeable indentation made in the top of the cup. Melty chocolate is a clear sign of impending failure. If that's hard to judge, you could attempt tapping on the surface of the cup lightly. If it feels like you're tapping a relatively hard surface, like that of a credit card, I would call that a good sign. If it feels like tapping the top of a cupcake, watch out. You can always act like you changed your mind at the last second, pick up a Payday or something, this is an important decision.

And hopefully, for your sake and mine, when you finally open that package, you will not experience the same disappointment that I did when I opened mine yesterday. On sight I knew I had erred, and would only pay for it with dissatisfaction.