Go See Across the Spider-Verse (So We Can Talk About It)

Before we begin in earnest, I would like to take the change to encourage you to go see this movie if you haven't. Partly because I will certainly touch on some spoilers, but also just because I think it's absolutely phenomenal and I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't enjoy it. I'm not even a classic Spiderman fan. I never read the comics and I haven't seen any of the Tom Holland stand-alone ones. But if you haven't seen it and you're just curious to continue reading, my personal belief is that if a movie is good enough, then the spoilers don't fully matter. I've seen it twice now, and I probably enjoyed it more the second time.

When I first saw the teaser trailer for Into the Spider-Verse five or six years ago, I remember very clearly thinking, "WHOA." Even as animation had gotten better and better and better, there was something distinctly different about it. And beautiful. Miles running through the city with the bright yellow taxi cab in the foreground (this is the one I'm referring to). It certainly piqued my interest, but I never saw it in theaters, probably because I had a one year old at the time, and going to the movies was just not a regular thing. But I ended up watching it a year or two later, and really enjoyed it, and I filed it away as one of the movies it'd be fun to watch with Nolan once he got a little older.

Nolan is nearly 6 right now, and about two years ago he started to get into Spiderman in a serious way. Disney, in their infinite wisdom, purchased Marvel and the entire catalog of Marvel characters to produce both the teen-and-adult-centered Avengers stuff we're all familiar with, and some new kids versions of the characters to hook the audience at a younger age. So he started watching Spidey and His Amazing Friends, which is actually a really great show and for someone (me) who doesn't have an encyclopedic knowledge of Marvel characters, it's a fun way to get to know them in a very basic manner.

Once he plowed through all of the Spidey episodes available, he started watching some other Avengers shorts on Disney+ and eventually a version of the Spiderman cartoon that was definitely meant for older kids, probably 8-10 years old. (It has a pretty freaking awesome theme song.) Suddenly, half of his wardrobe was Spiderman t-shirts and Spiderman pajamas and Spiderman hoodies. And then Spiderman sheets on his bed and a Spiderman backpack. He was running out of ways to consume Spiderman, and I was personally kind of tired of having to buy EVERYTHING with the Spidey logo on it. You're allowed to have socks that don't have Spiderman on them. At least I think you are.

So I decided we would take a shot at watching Into the Spider-Verse, to see if he could handle it or if he would like it. He was historically pretty skittish about new movies (he watched the first 25 minutes of Encanto from behind our couch with his hands over his eyes -- yes, Encanto) so I wasn't sure we'd make it through the whole thing, but I figured it was worth a try, and if he didn't like it yet, we'd come back to it later.

Turns out, he loved it. He loved Gwen Stacy, he loved Peter B. Parker, he loved Spider-Ham, he loved Peni Parker. He wanted to know about the Prowler and what it meant that Miles's uncle was the Prowler and why would Kingpin kill the Prowler if they were on the same team? We started listening to the soundtrack on Alexa in the morning before school. Nolan learned all the words to Post Malone's Sunflower, and shortly thereafter Lennon at barely 2 years old was singing it with him. They'd ask for it in the car. We'd turn the volume all the way up on What's Up Danger and Nolan would scream "CAN'T STOP ME NOW" at a level that nearly broke the windows. 

He started asking if there was a second one. So we looked it up and found out it wasn't coming out until 2023. This was still in fairly heavy covid times, so the thought of going to a movie seemed questionable, and the thought that eventually the year 2023 would actually get here also didn't sound believable. It was a bit of a bummer to have to wait so long, but there were teaser trailers on YouTube to tide us over, and re-watches of Into the Spider-Verse whenever necessary.

In April, Nolan was able to conquer a long-held fear of going to the movie theater, where he saw Super Mario Brothers and loved it. We had been counting down the days til Across the Spider-Verse was coming out, so knowing that he'd be excited to actually see it in the theaters was a big win.

I'm sure you can sense that there's a very important throughline happening in this, and if you're a parent I think you can visualize in your mind those moments which represent basically pantheon parenting experiences. Like taking them to their first baseball game or watching them sing in their first school concert or riding a roller coaster with them for the first time. I ordered our tickets for Sunday June 4th and immediately began feeling the excitement that I would get to experience this with Nolan as he sees a movie that he has literally been counting down the days towards. He told me afterwards that he was "a little bit shaking" going into the movie, and I asked him, "Because you were scared or because you were excited?" He said, "Both." But when I sat down in the seat next to him, I couldn't help but look over and watch his face to see his expressions as it was starting. I felt so lucky to be able to see that smile on his face (and in some ways I felt bad for Siobhan, as she decided she would hang at home with Lennon so that we could go together).

It immediately became an emotional experience for me.

I know that I have a background in studying film in a critical way, and part of me wants to separate just how much I love the movie independently from the fact that it was an incredible experience for me as a parent, but honestly, it's just not important. It was my actual experience that I got to do this with him and it of course made it better. But as of this writing, that was 22 days ago, and we have since gone back to see the movie again, this time with Siobhan, because I thought it was so incredible that I just needed her to see it to tell me if I was being unreasonable with just how much I loved it. It wasn't *just* that I was watching it with Nolan -- the movie is just fantastic, and I can't see how anyone wouldn't enjoy it, no matter if you're with your kids or if you even like Spiderman. For 22 days I have been thinking about just how good it is, and telling everyone I know about it.

Halfway through my first time watching it, I took my phone out to check the runtime so I could let Siobhan know when we'd be home. And then after I did, I typed into Google: "Across Spiderverse Oscar Best Picture". This is true. It has been years since I've really cared about what movies do or do not win Oscars, because ultimately I don't think it matters and I've learned not to let myself be disappointed when the movies I like don't win anything. But ATSV is such a tremendous achievement that I am not actively rooting for it to win all the awards -- and not just Best Animated Film, which seems like way too low of a bar right now. It should legitimately win Best Picture (and I'm aware that I'm saying that without having seen really any of the other contenders). There's just nothing that it doesn't have. The animation is remarkable, of course, and it even combines several different art styles but in a way that stays consistent. The music is again outstanding -- we've listened to the soundtrack a dozen times, and now Nolan has learned all the words to a Lil Wayne song called Annihilate. I find myself playing the original score by Daniel Pemberton often throughout the day, especially this compilation of all the Gwen-specific songs, which I cannot get enough of. The story itself is funny and moving and intense and keeps you engaged even though it's fairly long for an animated film -- but again, I think I'm at the point where I am done comparing it to other animated films only. How good a movie is should encompass the entire experience, and shouldn't be minimized because it was created using animation. The vast majority of movies at this point use CGI in some respect to enhance what is captured by the camera, so how is a fully animated film seen as "less-than"? 

I knew that there had to be haters to the movie, and because I have morbid curiosity, I wanted to see what some of the negative reviews had to say, because I felt like it was a personal attack that somebody could not like ATSV. Some of the reviews said blatantly incorrect things about the plot, which to me sounds like they were just not paying attention, and hey, maybe that's why you didn't like it. "Miles spends his days on Earth-42 missing class and messing with villains" -- UH, it is a HUGELY important part of the plot that Miles does not live on Earth-42, thank you. If you are taking the time to write a professional review of the movie, holy hell I think you would not miss that detail. Some other critics argued that "multi-verse" storylines were tired at this point, because of Doctor Strange and Spiderman No Way Home and many others that have been popular recently. If you wanted to hold something like that against a movie, I guess you probably didn't like Saving Private Ryan because we've seen war movies before, like, lots and lots and lots of war movies.

The one that stood out to me most, and that felt like the deepest attack, was a review that said the movie lacked "emotional stakes", in part because it ended on a cliff-hanger (which to some people is a complete dealbreaker, I can minorly sympathize with that), but also because the multi-verse and the all-knowing Spiderman 2099 was removing the seriousness from Miles's story and softening the threat to his future. I just don't see how this can be, because to me, this movie has some of the simplest and clearest stakes of any movie -- Miles is told that his father is going to die, and that his friends (and idols!) are going to step in and stop him from saving his father's life. What more could you possibly ask for in terms of "emotional stakes"??

The story, to me, is deeply emotional. Yes there is the whole "canon event" stuff going on, twisting the narrative into somewhat confusing levels (but not really confusing enough that I couldn't have a conversation with my 5-year old son about it). But that is part of the dressing for the story. The real baseline story is about belonging, and about walking the tightrope between what you want for yourself and how you handle the expectations of others, especially parents. It's what binds Miles's story to Gwen's story, and it's why Gwen takes the lead in telling her story during the first 10 minutes of the movie. I've always been very moved by father-child/parent-child relationships in movies, even before I had kids of my own, and anyone with any psychology training could easily say it's due to how much I depended on my own father when I was a kid. It's been taken to a completely new level now that I am the one with kids, and all I want for my life is to have a relationship with them that they appreciate. For that reason, the movie was deeply emotional throughout, and I had tears in my eyes at several moments, just from the entire breadth of emotions taking place.

After I saw it the first time, I pictured in my mind the climactic moment of the movie, both action-wise and emotionally, which is the meeting with Miguel and learning about the "police captain canon", followed by the 3,000-Spiderperson Chase and Miguel's confrontation on the lunar highway. I thought about it over and over again, at just how deeply that hit me, and the chills that came over my spine at Miles's key line, "Everyone keeps telling me how my story is supposed to go. Nah, I'mma do my own thing." It was just so good, and I couldn't wait to see it again for that moment. All Miles had wanted since the first movie was to be a part of a group where he could share things with people who would understand him. That seems like a universal need, and here's a kid with superhuman ability going through the same thing. And just when he finds it -- he's the hero of the Mumbattan event, he gets the invite to the Spider Society, he reunites with his mentor -- then it all comes crashing down. To me, there's plenty at stake here for Miles, and for Gwen, and for Miguel and Jessica and Peter B. Parker, and for Jeff and Rio.

The second time seeing it, there were even more things that stood out to me. I love the very beginning, with Gwen's voiceover both summarizing the first movie and foreshadowing what was to come. It's a perfect tone-setter, and the cadence of her speech along with the music heighten the intensity. I love how Spot evolves from a comical side character at the beginning to a "do not F with him" menace by the end. Even though he's not the main antagonist in the story, Spot is the main villain, and I really appreciate the way he is introduced as sort of "figuring himself out" the same way Miles had to figure himself out in the first movie. (Nolan got a ton of laughs out of Spot "kicking his own butt", even acknowledging several days later that he was just thinking about the scene to himself and it made him laugh.) I love how Spot grows in power as the movie goes along, and both his animation and the music associated with him seems to grow in intensity as well. Maybe it's not groundbreaking, but I just thought it was great how we as the viewers essentially go through the same experience that Miles goes through with Spot -- at first he's just a joke and easily dismissed, but as it goes on you realize he's going to be a much bigger headache.

Last of all, when I saw it a second time, I allowed the final few minutes to wash over me in a deeper way than I had the first time. I mentioned above that I had checked the run time of the movie to see if I could estimate when it'd be finished. But I didn't really account for how long the credits would run, which is a very long time especially since it's an animated movie that has hundreds of animators working on it. So when the movie ended the first time, I seriously was not prepared for it. I thought we still had 10 more minutes left. I was stunned and wanted to see more. It felt like a gut-punch to have to wait until the next one is released. I can understand some people who maybe feel like it's a bit of a cop-out to end on such a cliffhanger when so much remains in the balance. But it's not like it's the first movie to ever do that. And I can't fault the filmmakers for having so many ideas they wanted to address that they had to split it into another movie. There are many ways in which the story of ATSV *did* come to a conclusion -- Gwen, after running away from the conflict with her father and staying away to avoid the tragedy that she was certain to witness, was forced to confront the situation directly and learned that change *is* possible, that you aren't just resigned to your calculated set of canon events. Peter B., along with Peni and Spider-Ham and the others, decided to firmly take sides in the disagreement, joining on with Gwen's band. Miles had grown the confidence in himself that he didn't need to keep hiding his abilities from the people he loved. Of course there is more to the story and of course they want you to buy tickets to another movie next year, but I think it's actually a sign of a very entertaining movie if it ends and all you want is to keep watching.

After all, as my good friend Dan suggested, it's really just a 9-month intermission. That's not so hard to wait for, is it?

Right after Nolan and I went to see it the first time, I said it was one of the best experiences I've ever had at the movies, and I still don't think that was an exaggeration. The experience was definitely elevated by the fact that I was seeing it with my son, who was now old enough not only to watch it but also to eagerly count down the days until its release, and his excitement was equal to mine. But it was just a spectacle. I doubt that I have felt this way seeing a movie since at least The Dark Knight, which I think I saw 4 times in theaters (at a very different stage in my life regarding responsibilities). But a few days after, it kind of hit me what experience it mirrored most, and that was seeing Hamilton live. Where I just couldn't believe how talented all the people involved were, and how I just couldn't wait to see what happened next -- and how, even though I was excited going into it, I left the theater 100x more impressed with what I had witnessed.

I just feel very grateful to have had this experience, both as an individual and as a parent, and my hope is that everyone else out there had that same rush of enjoyment as I had. Apparently it was so good that it caused me to dust off this blog I hadn't contributed to in FIVE YEARS just to talk about how much I loved it.

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Editor's Note: The author is currently investigating how much room is in his schedule to see ATSV a third time in theaters

#081 - Learning to be a Parent

My wife Siobhan hounded me for several months about writing a blog post for our son Nolan's first birthday. As you can see, I clearly heeded her requests, as we are now 3 full months after his birthday and I'm just getting around to starting.

It has been a remarkable year (15 months). Sometimes I feel like I can barely remember life without Nolan, though I do have pretty clear memories of what it was like when Siobhan was pregnant, so I'd say more accurately I barely remember what life was like before Nolan started growing. Did we really used to take 2-hour naps on Saturday morning after the gym? Did we really used to "sleep in"? Did we really used to be able to fit everything we needed for a weekend trip in a bag or two? I suppose in some ways not being able to remember all of that is kinda helpful -- every now and I then I miss the ability to do something that we were able to do before Nolan, like sleep in, or go out for a date night dinner, but I most of the time I don't even really remember what was so great about our lives before him so I can't say I really miss it.

Instead, what we have is this amazingly funny, happy, sweet 15 month old who brings new joys and new challenges into our lives every day. What we've lost in terms of free time we've gained in family time. We eat so many more meals together, we love when we're able to be together for his bedtime, and we have a lot of fun taking him to the park.

I'd say that generally there is a lot more stress in our relationship, which maybe sounds like a bad thing when you say it out loud, but it's a product of needing to have more things readily available (his necessities like diapers, wipes, food), needing to be on a tighter schedule (he's a ticking bomb when he doesn't eat on time), and needing to have a set of eyes on him a great majority of the time (he's at the age where his toys are kinda boring but sharp things and electrical cords are very fun). You lose a little bit of the flexibility to just say, "Oh, darn, I forgot."

At the same time, to counter that stress there is the great benefit of being invested in a very important task together. We're both focused on the goal of raising this child together and keeping him in a safe, healthy environment, and that creates a really strong bond. I'd be totally lost without Siobhan, and -- even though she is amazing and definitely lifts most of the weight in caring for Nolan -- she needs me to be as helpful as I can be when necessary, and to give her a break when she needs some time to decompress. We have found a pretty good parenting flow, where when one of us is really stressed our or upset, the other tends to dial it down and put their own issues aside to help take the pressure off. Or if I'm getting really frustrated with Nolan, she can swoop in and redirect him, or vice versa. I hope that most parent couples operate in that way, though I can see that it'd be a huge problem if one person's stress just exacerbated the other's instead.

We just got back from a 2 1/2 week trip to the Philadelphia area for a wedding, family time, and Thanksgiving, and if there's any time you need that balance, it's living away from home for that long. Normally it's Siobhan who gets stressed out about our travel, making sure we have everything packed and where are we going to sleep and is Nolan going to be happy. But this time, I was the one who had a lot of trouble. Nolan had a few very unusual bad nights of sleep, then he dealt with a fever and an ear infection for a few days, and there was a snowstorm in the middle of all of it, so I was just getting a little worn out trying to deal with all of that while moving place to place and living out of a suitcase and trying to work my full time job at the same time. Siobhan was exhausted from training for and running the Philadelphia marathon, not to mention taking Nolan to the doctor for his ear infection, and still she managed to help take the stress off my and let me know that she was going to listen and be there for any needs that I might have.

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One of the weird indirect benefits of having a kid is that you suddenly become a valid source of information for other people who are trying for children or expecting. I never put any thought into this before, even though we constantly asked our friends with older kids for advice from the moment we knew we were going to be parents. It's been kinda fun to feel like you have valuable input, even though I am always hesitant and acknowledge that everybody has different experiences, and just because I found something to be true doesn't mean it's going to work for you. But I wanted to make a note of some of the things I've thought along the way, either to help those who might be expecting, or to look back on in a couple years and realize what an idiot I was. Again, if you disagree with what I have to say, that's totally cool. Obviously we can't be friends anymore, but I respect your opinion, even though it's garbage.

From the pregnancy phase:

- Don't buy too much stuff ahead of time. Especially clothing. As Siobhan likes to say, "Once we brought Nolan home, it was like Target threw up all over our front porch." The other thing to be careful about is sizing. I was a huge baby, so everyone kinda assumed Nolan would be big, so we didn't have very many NB sized things for him. Then when he was smaller than expected, we didn't have much to put him in right away. It could go the reverse though, too, and you'd have all these NB sized things you just have to give away.

- But DO load up on diapers and wipes, especially if other people buy them for you (and if you have the room to keep them). We had awesome friends and family who loaded us up, and we went a crazy long time before buying wipes.

- Go to the classes and hospital visits. (This is mostly for dads, like most of the stuff I'm mentioning. Moms are good. Dads need some reassurance.) Our birth class was like 7 hours long on a Saturday. I did not want to go to that, you can be sure. But it was a good experience, and it gave you answers to questions that you think you might be too embarrassed to ask, but are actually important to know when the time comes, like, "Where the heck do we park? Do we just drive up to the emergency room when she's in labor?" There's nothing worse than having to figure that out while your wife is screaming in agony trying to bring your child into the world. Dads are happy to sit there looking around the room waiting for other dads to ask. These classes and visits answer all your not-dumb questions.

From the hospital phase:

- Bring comfy stuff. There's no such thing as, "Well, I'm going to bed," when you're in the hospital. It's like you sleep for 2 hours if you can, and then you're up, and then you can try to sleep again. If your hospital doesn't have comfy stuff for you, like a good pillow and a blanket, you are going to be miserable trying to sleep.

- Get used to people seeing your wife naked. You can draw the line at the guy who picks up and drops off your food, but basically everyone else is seeing her naked like all day. You get over it quickly.

- Ask tons of questions. The nurses in the recovery room are your heroes, they are everything you aspire to be when it comes to taking care of a child. Watch, ask, learn. And when you are leaving swipe blankets, diapers, wipes, lotion, whatever they have there for the baby, just swipe it all. You're paying for it anyway.

From the new parent phase:

- You're going to be fine. I've heard so many people (and I was probably one of them) be like, "I've never changed a diaper, I don't know how to hold a baby, I'm not sure I'm ready for this." There's no such thing as ready or not ready. You don't really have a choice. You start changing diapers, you start holding the baby, and in hours (or days at the worst) you are a pro. You'll be fine.

- Get out of the house early. When the babies are really little, they can sleep anywhere with any noise level. Bring them in the car seat out to dinner. When your kid gets to be like 7-8 months old and wants to move around and needs to be asleep by 7 PM, your ability to go out to dinner with them drops precipitously. (Again, this is just me, it could be different for you.) When Nolan was like 10 months and screaming in his high chair and throwing food on the floor when we tried to go to dinner at like 5:30, I missed this stage.

- TRY to go out and do things. It doesn't mean you have to stay and stick through meltdowns or a fussy baby or blowout diapers. But some people become glued to their houses when they have a baby and to me that doesn't seem like a fun way to live. Go out, go to a park or a fair or a street market or something, and if it's not working, just go home.

- When people say, "I'd love to watch the baby if you want to go out," take them up on it. They might be offering just to be nice, but call them out on it. Can't beat help.

From the toddler/wobbler stage:

- Take videos of your kid doing cute things and watch them before you go to sleep at night. It's the freaking best.

- Give people lots of unsolicited advice as if you've reinvented the wheel of being a parent, they love that. Wait a second...

#080 - Motherhood is Remarkable

Our son, Nolan, is now 8 months old. Which is pretty unbelievable, both in that it's not much time at all, and in that I can barely remember what life was like before him. He's been here forever, at least since he showed up a little while ago.

I could, and probably should, go on and on about all the things I love about him, and all the ways he's changed my life and the course of my (what is now a) family. But for now, the one thing I want to focus on is the kind of bemusing way that I've come to accept that all the cliches about parenthood are true, even though me-from-two-years-ago would dismiss that.

There truly is no sound better than his laugh. A few months ago, before laughing became regular, we would talk about how excited we were to find out what it sounded like. What would provoke it? Would it be a hearty belly laugh or a high pitched giggle? We got some good smiles from him and some little snorts here and there, and then we would proceed to try and replicate the exact actions we were doing that elicited the noises. And then one day it just clicked and he started giggling, and I was able to snag this photo, which at the time I thought was my favorite photo ever (and still might be). I could look at this every day and it'd make me happy.

The other cliche that fits is that parenting is really hard, but that I'd never trade it for anything. There was a three or four week period when he was maybe 2 or 3 months old where he screamed his head off every night from about 6 PM - 8 PM, when we were trying to give him his nighttime bottle and lay him down to bed. It tested every level of patience and calm that I had, and I consider myself a pretty calm person. It was really hard. It stressed on me and it stressed Siobhan because of how snappy I was towards her. As much as I love him, it made it hard to want to sit there and witness it because nothing I was doing was helping to settle him down. But all the same, we would wake up the next day to his adorable, smiling face, and all of that pain would melt away like it didn't matter anymore. I didn't forget about it, and I still haven't forgotten about it, but ultimately it doesn't change what we have with him. When he's happy, it washes away all of the frustrations of when he's cranky or difficult. And I don't think people should be too prideful to say that selfishly it feels really good to make another person (as small as he might be) laugh or smile. When he sees me and smiles because it's me, that is an unbelievable feeling. I could forgive him for anything in that moment. (Sometimes I think parents are too quick to mention how much they love to give to their kids, as if it's a completely selfless act of sacrifice, when there are a ton of great things to get at the same time.)

And the last thing that I've really spent some time thinking about this week, with good reason, is that it's just mindblowing how amazing women are when they become mothers. I can't get over all of the things that Siobhan has done in the last two years, preparing herself for this, carrying him and growing him, delivering him, and nurturing and caring for him. And it's not like it's out of left field or anything -- she was a teacher, a heavily experienced babysitter and aunt, and would happily listen to her friends who were new moms. She certainly checked off all the boxes that suggested she would be really good at the whole mom thing, but that doesn't mean watching it unfold has been any less mesmerizing. As a man, my initial reaction when I see pregnant women or women with very small children is, "I literally can't even imagine what it's like to give birth or be a mother." It's hard to even fathom how it's possible. And it's not like Siobhan got a masters degree on how to become a mom, but I still view her as having that kind of expertise. She'd be the first to tell you that a lot of it is biology and hormones, they just kind of kick in at times when you need them, and she'll tell me she doesn't even know why she feels something but she does and chalks it up to mom instincts. But that's just the first step. I might have some instinctual beliefs about how to do something in the course of my day, but if I mess up, there typically isn't a human life at stake. Siobhan has had the confidence to follow through on her instincts, and the ability to make changes if something isn't working right. She reads lots of articles and talks to lots of other moms (and pediatricians, and pediatricians who are moms) about things, so it's not like she's uninformed from outside sources. But ultimately I end up asking her what she wants me to do with Nolan and just going with it, because whatever mom brain she's developed for herself is working great.

The amount of time and attention she's dedicated to him is absolutely priceless. Before he was born, she had made up her mind that she was going to take a few months off and then go back to work at the end of the winter. It seemed like a reasonable plan, but after going through birth and the first few months, she felt like it was the right move to just stay home for the first year. I was pretty nervous about how it was going to go at first, me working from home, the two of them in the house one room over. And I didn't want her staying home to be with Nolan to derail her from any career advancements she was working towards. It was also taking away some income from us, at a time when I was nervous that we were going to need it. But it has worked out great. She's gone the extra mile and taken in a second baby a few days a week, and we've recently started bringing in some side money with more dogsitting during the day. And all throughout that time, she's devoted her time to Nolan. She gets up with him once or twice a night, every night, to feed him. She's up with him when he wakes up in the morning. She takes him to the gym with her, she takes him for runs. She's been his food source, his cleaning crew, his personal chef, his teacher, and his best friend. I don't want to minimized the decisions that any family makes for their interests -- some people need to return to work as soon as possible and put their kids in daycare, some people are able to take more time and keep their kids at home. They are equally valid options. Whatever decisions people make for the well being of their children (and their own well being, let's not forget), I wouldn't question them. After all, we have already gone through the process of deciding to send Nolan to daycare, it just didn't work out that way (or didn't work out that way yet). But after experiencing what we've gone through, I wouldn't want it to have happened any other way. I think it's going to be hard for her to make the decision to go back to work at some point and not be with him during the day. It's going to be hard for me, too. I work, so I'm not the one full-time responsible for him during work hours, but it's been so great for me to have them at home, where I can go and hang out and see him and help out whenever possible. It's the best of both worlds. I know he's getting the best care possible and I also get to sneak in time to spend with him during the day.

It's hard to even remember what our daily routine was like before Nolan, but at this point I'm just so eternally impressed and grateful to have Siobhan be the rock of the family. Neither of us like to refer to my solo time with Nolan as "daddy duty" or "babysitting" (cringe), because I am equally his parent and taking care of my own child does not qualify as babysitting (hat-tip Jeff). But I have had several stretches where I've been alone with him and had to get him dinner, bath, and bedtime without Siobhan around to add a second pair of hands, and it is honestly quite tiring. Yet there are countless days where she's the one watching after him, and while she is exhausted or sore at the end of many days, she just proceeds to get up the next day and carry on with it as if it's just part of the routine. She very rarely hands him off to me to take an hour for herself, even though she'd be well within her rights to do so, we all need time to decompress. She's just committed to doing what's best for Nolan at all hours of the day, and that mainly means tiring herself out in the process. I just can't picture what these last 8 months would have looked like without Nolan by her side all day, and I feel really lucky that he's received so much love from his ever-doting mama. He's such a great little boy, and part of that is just his personality, but the other part of it is because he's given the care he deserves.

It's a little surreal to be celebrating this first real Mother's Day with my wife, when, even though we're thankful and appreciative of the other mothers that we have in our lives, now the main focus has been shifted to her. I look forward to countless future Mother's Days where Nolan is able to express how much Siobhan means to him directly.

And lastly, I just want to express that, even though motherhood has been so great for Siobhan, I love the fact that she hasn't been consumed by it. She's still the same person that I fell in love with and married. She's back into running a lot and completed another half marathon recently, even running faster times than she did pre-pregnancy. She still listens to her true crime podcasts while she cleans the house -- though she's also gotten pretty into some mom comedy recently. We still like laughing at the same movies and shows together, or looking at cute dogs on shelter websites. And we still enjoy a delicious dinner out, though we've quickly gotten accustomed to 5:45 seatings to accommodate Nolan's schedule. All in all, I'd say these first 8 months with him couldn't have gone any better. Having him in our life has been a wonderful addition more than it has been a daunting change.

Happy Mother's Day.

#079 - Was it Father's Day?

This past Sunday was Father's Day, and it put me in a little bit of an unusual position. I understand we have a baby on the way, and Siobhan was very sweet and got me a couple nice gifts to celebrate, but I have a tough time really accepting any kind of recognition at this point. She dismissed me when I said I don't think it's really Father's Day for me, but I just feel like she's the one doing all the heavy lifting so far (and none of the heavy lifting, doctors). For the most part, my job has just been to be a supportive husband moreso than father. I'm looking out for her, and she's consciously and subconsciously looking out for the baby. She's more than deserving of Mother's Day praise, having to deal with morning sickness, colds that can only be treated with the most basic of medicine, heartburn and indigestion, sore legs, feet and back, and not being able to sleep comfortably. Sure, my sleep has been slightly impacted by the refrigerator-sized pillow that she uses to support herself, but that's not a bad trade-off for dads. Besides, if the pillow wasn't there, it would be replaced by a dog-sized dog (or two, or three).

All of that said, it was another step along the way of having others -- and more importantly, myself -- acknowledge that, hey, in a few more months, I will actually be a father, and I'll have a lot more responsibility than I do now.

I also want to take a brief moment and say that I've been blown away by all the gifts that are coming in from the baby shower, which is coming up in a few weeks. They've started to arrive at home -- which is awesome because then we won't have to drive them back from New Jersey -- and just how generous and thoughtful people have been is kind of overwhelming. I think it's pretty easy to get jaded about these things, giving gifts at weddings and baby showers and all of that. But when you're in a position like we are, and we're 500 miles from our family and about to welcome a baby into a home without anything that we need for it, it can be kind of daunting to think of all the stuff we're going to have to get. And to have friends and family pitch in and offer to help out, it's pretty awesome to watch that happen.

At this stage of the pregnancy, we've begun to start planning real things instead of just talking hypotheticals. All of our sets of parents are scheduling their first trips down to see the baby right now, so we know there's going to be no shortage of helping hands during the first month or two of Baby Koch's life. (We still aren't finding out if it's a boy or a girl, so sometimes it's hard to keep saying "it" when you want to say "he" or "she". If you catch me saying one or the other, it doesn't mean anything, I promise.) We also know that we've got a trip up to Philadelphia in early/mid October for my brother's wedding, and we've had several people tell us that is an ambitious trip that early. But it's nice to have this stuff planned out, have a chance to bring the baby up to see our families, instead of having them all to come down here.

One of the other big things we talk about is the relationship Siobhan and I have together. I'm so thankful that we have a really great and happy marriage, but we don't have any misconceptions about how difficult this might be for us. Not because we're prone to getting into arguments or disagreements, but purely on the basis of us getting tired, sleep deprived and frustrated. So when we talk about our future and all the positive things, we try to balance it out by making sure we are aware that we need to work together to make the most of this.

It makes me a little bit scared. Perhaps it's just anxiety running itself out, but just the idea that things could be difficult between Siobhan and me after all of this is worrisome. But that's the benefit of having these discussions now, and even something like me writing this out. We've got the next two and a half months to build an even stronger foundation that we know is going to support us even when we get tired and cranky and aggravated.

The other big thing we talk about are names, even though I've been happily on the record as NOT interested in discussing names. It's annoying to Siobhan that I won't commit to picking a name now, and I get that. She wants to narrow it down -- and we have definitely narrowed it down to some extent -- but for whatever reason it just makes me uncomfortable. Part of it is that I don't want to become fixed on a name, and then have two more months to hear it used in other places and change my mind. The other part of it is just that we've put so much focus on the baby staying healthy, getting stronger and bigger, and Siobhan staying healthy, that I just like thinking about that and not about what we're going to name it.

We do have a few names in mind, though. Good names. Hopefully not too trendy or too unusual. Please don't ask us about them, though. And don't guess just to see if we react. For now, it's Baby Koch, or Speck, or Little Bud (shout out Master of None).

#078 - Small Addition, Big Change

In September, our lives are going to change. We're welcoming a baby into the family.

How much our lives will change is the big question, and something I've been struggling with personally, as well as discussing at length with Siobhan.

The past year has been an interesting process, and one that I wouldn't take back -- no matter how difficult it was at times. It's very hard to know when you're ready to have kids. I would say I still don't fully know, but I trust my wife and I trust myself, and I know that we're going to do the right thing when that baby opens its eyes for the first time. Last January, Siobhan and I decided we were ready. Or at least, we thought we'd be ready after the baby cooked for 9 months. So we went for it. It was a little bit of a roller coaster, much more so for Siobhan than it was for me, but of course she's the most important thing I have, and I need her to be by my side, so it affected me too.

First, she dealt with some complications getting off of birth control. It's never been fully determined what went wrong there, but it took her 3-4 months before she was able to ovulate regularly after getting off of birth control. In the meantime, she dealt with a scare of cysts and the fear that her ovulation was never going to happen naturally. Luckily, with the help of her doctor, everything got better after those first 4 months.

But still, we had no baby. I'm not an expert on how long it usually takes, but we've heard all kinds of stories from those around us as far as how long it took them. Some it took a year, some it took a week. We've heard of friends who determined that they were unable to have kids naturally, so they adopted, only to end up pregnant after all. Our bodies -- particularly women's bodies -- do some truly amazing things, and it's something I don't think about and appreciate as often as I should.

This past September, something happened. We found out that Siobhan had actually gotten pregnant, under the worst of circumstances. We only found out once the baby had already been lost. It's hard to describe what that feels like. We don't even fully know how long it had lasted, maybe a few weeks, but for a couple trying to have a child, it was a shock to have the first positive test be a bad thing. My heart broke for Siobhan, because she was devastated. I tried to hold it together a little bit, and I told her that I believed when it was going to happen, it was going to be at the right time. It was insensitive, given what she had just gone through. As the husband you're put in a much easier position, and I wasn't aware enough of what was going through her mind. This is definitely one case where, as men, we truly don't understand.

Siobhan's reaction to the miscarriage was pretty astonishing. She was upset, and rightly so, but after a few days, she had renewed excitement. At least we had proof that it worked, even for a short time. She's made an effort (and I have as well) to not be ashamed or embarrassed about what happened. Miscarriages are always dealt with in a hush-hush way, which is understandable given how sensitive of a topic it is, but at the same time, they happen. After going through that experience, I feel strongly that no woman should feel ashamed or held responsible for losing a child. It is not a reflection of you, in any way. So many things have to go right for people to conceive, so if something goes wrong, it can't be controlled. (I should say that many of our friends have shared with us their personal stories, each one a little more devastating than the last, especially after several weeks or months of pregnancy. For us to be where we are now, having had a few ultrasounds and getting to actually see the little Koch, I can only imagine a fraction of what that must feel like.)

At this point, I'm going to make a quick tangent to address something that happened between Siobhan and me. In the couple months after the miscarriage, Siobhan internalized a lot of the concerns and problems she was having. She was upset that it was taking so long, and she thought that it was somehow her fault, physically. I can understand why she didn't tell me these things, because they're upsetting to talk about, and she didn't want to make me feel worse. But to any women out there trying with their own partners, I just want to say that I think you should open up. For those of us on my side of things, ALL we want is to know what you're thinking, what you're feeling, whether you're excited about it, or nervous; whether you're ready to carry a child or if you want to wait longer; all of that. Eventually she and I talked it out, and at least from my perspective, I think it was a good thing.

So, a few months after that, everything lined up right and the little zygote found its place, and on New Year's Eve, we found out for real.

It's been a fun time since then. We told our parents, and a couple weeks later our sisters and brothers. We told our close friends and the people we see regularly -- many of our friends who lit the path towards parenthood ahead of us, and to whom we are indebted for their support. We've had a couple ultrasounds and seen the baby's arms and legs and future gymnastic skills. We creepily ogle at parents on the sidewalks and in restaurants who are using interesting looking harnesses, or pushing strollers that we're interested in trying out. We started mapping out how we're going to move all our furniture around, and had a new closet put into the house so we didn't push it off until September.

I think right now is the fun stage. Siobhan has just the tiniest little belly (and she told me to write this ASAP because she's worried it's going to start showing in all her instagram photos -- this is 2017, folks) and even though we've seen the baby through the ultrasound, it still seems far enough away that we shouldn't start getting anxious.

But at some point, we're going to be there. It's going to be a couple weeks away, and we're going to say to ourselves, "How did this happen so fast??!" I've been grateful, in many ways, to have had this last year. I know it might sound odd to say, considering how stressful it was, and how many things we dealt with that were upsetting. Maybe Siobhan would tell you different, because her body was going through a lot. But the end result is that we got through those things. And we're not heroes here, I'm not suggesting we overcame the greatest challenges known to man. I'm just saying, we were faced with some pretty difficult things after having what had been a pretty awesome few years. And we got through them. And we learned a lot about ourselves and about each other, and hopefully prepared ourselves better for the discussions that are going to come for the next 20, 30, 40 years.

Also, we got to enjoy the last year of just us. I was a little bit leery of buying a house and trying to have a baby in such quick succession, mostly because I make things out to be financial decisions when they're more than just that. But we did get to experience both the joys and frustrations of owning a home, in our new (or not-so-new anymore) home town. We had family and friends visit, we took trips just the two of us (okay okay, you know us too well -- we took Alfie too), and Siobhan was able to accomplish a hell of a lot at her school, even through the stress she was dealing with at home.

Even after that baby arrives, we're going to make an effort to still be the same people. I say make an effort because almost everyone warns us it's quite hard to accomplish. We love being outside and being active, and even though that means we'll probably have to coordinate our schedules or buy a really good jogging stroller, we want to keep doing that. We want to love Alfie just as much, if not more, than we already do. We want to be involved in our neighborhood, which is developing very fast and bound to go in some interesting directions. We still want to eat some good food, even if it means becoming much more familiar with take-out. It's going to be difficult to maintain all these things, but it's important to stay well rounded as people to help us be better parents.

Lastly, I will just say that, we have had some of the best role models in this process to look towards. Some of the greatest people we know have become parents in the last few years, and it is truly invaluable to be able to look to them, the things they've done, to help us shape the future we see for ourselves. So thank you.

TL;DR: Baby is due September 9th. We're not finding out the sex. (Or I might, but I won't tell.)

#077 - Be Selfish. Adopt a Dog.

It's been my long-held belief that a lot of the good that people do is driven by selfishness. I don't mean all of it -- parents who sacrifice their free time and their energy to work long hours and provide for their families; men and women in uniform both domestically and abroad who are wounded, traumatized, or killed in service of the greater good; or for that matter, anyone who gives their lives in defense of someone else -- we'd all agree that these things are true altruism. I'm talking about the rest of the stuff. Donating time or money, posting videos of yourself doing the latest awareness challenge, volunteering to help with a food drive or a blood drive. This is all really good stuff, and it's important that people participate, but the reason why people continue to promote this type of behavior is because it FEELS GOOD. A lot of people are wired in such a way that helping others out makes them feel great. You may think that I'm knocking this, or trying to be cynical, but I wish I could convince you that I'm not. I just think there should be a little bit more transparency about this kind of thing. People will give celebrities a lot of grief if they volunteer their hours and get some publicity about it. What should matter is not the reason behind the good deeds, but the actual good deeds that are getting done. If you're the type of person who likes to contribute to a cause and then post to Facebook about it because you want people to know that you care, then just own up to that -- but whatever you do, keep doing it. We want everyone to fit into this perfect box of humble, silent do-gooder who wants no attention for themselves and does everything out of the kindness of their own heart. It's just not feasible. We should celebrate the fact that sometimes people do really nice things because it fulfills a selfish desire they have to feel good about themselves.

So what does this have to do with dogs?

I never had a dog growing up. Few of my very close friends had dogs, so the opinion that I formulated about them was something like, "They're cool, but they are absolutely not an essential part of life." After all, I lived a pretty good life for a long time without a dog. The first time I truly connected with a dog was when I was in high school. Every time I went to my friend Shannon's house, I would try my best to get her dog Roxy to give me attention. Your standard reverse dog-human relationship. But it's a weird personality trait of mine, that I probably never would have admitted before -- I want dogs, little kids, and moms to like me. I can't explain it, but it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong if they don't.

Eventually it came to be that I would make a point of spending time with all of my friends' dogs. It still never really crossed my mind that I would want to have one myself, I never went begging to my dad to get a dog, it seemed like the ship on that had sailed. I was heading to college and my sisters were out of the house as well, not the ideal environment for any pet. But there was something about the expressiveness of dogs that I enjoyed. When they were happy, it was so easy to see. Even the speed of a tail-wag was noticeable, and it made me feel good to see those tails whipping back and forth.

Tino, Beezer, and Wellie

When I first met Siobhan, she had three dogs at her house. Wellie was the big, playful goof. Tino was the tiny troublemaker, always peeing on the floor and nipping at people's heels. Beezer was the snaggletoothed old grump. She and her family were real dog people, and it was nice to be around that. We talked early on about having a dog of our own, especially when we formally moved in together, but I was hesitant about leaving a dog alone all day, or always having to come back home to let it outside. I didn't want the dog's life to interfere with mine, but at the same time, I just also wasn't so sure that I would love a dog as much when it was there all the time. It's kind of like babies -- if you watch one for ten minutes, you get to hold them and make them laugh, but if you have one overnight you see the real struggles that come along with them as well. Still, we'd see dogs for adoption in the windows of local pet stores, or we'd walk past the dog park on our way home to watch them playing, and it became hard not to want one.

I was slowly coming around to the idea of us getting a dog when Siobhan decided enough was enough and pushed me over the edge. We found Alfie almost out of coincidence. We saw a dog at a community event in Ritttenhouse Square one day, and the dog was small, didn't shed, super cute, and well trained. To me, it seemed like, if any dog was a match, this was the dog. Apparently 60 other people thought so too, and we were somewhere near the end of the list. It prompted us to take a trip to the shelter at Morris Animal Refuge to see who else was available, and Siobhan took interest in a smaller sized, raggedy looking dog with cream colored fur and hair practically covering his eyes. His name was Max and he was 5 years old. The shelter told us that dogs more than a couple years old didn't do well in shelters, many people were under the impression that they were old and would die soon. But he was a mixed breed, small sized dog, who could have a very long life in a good home as long as he was cared for. I was hesitant, but the look in Siobhan's eye was powerful. It was different than holding a puppy in the pet store. Here was a dog who told us that he needed us. He had a funny habit of lifting his front paws up and stepping around on his back legs, so he could see out the window, to his favorite staff member, Herman. Herman was outside spraying down the patio, and Max just wanted to see what was going on. He seemed funny and energetic, and we couldn't walk away without signing our names to the paper.

Alfie's first night with us

His name's Alfie now, and if you know anything about me, you're very familiar with him. Just writing about that day 3 years ago is bringing tears to my eyes. He turned out to be not so energetic -- he sleeps a good 20 hours a day and doesn't even sniff the many toys we've purchased for him. And all the floppy, shaggy hair he had when we first got him has changed now that he's on a regular grooming schedule, to the point where pictures of him from his first days look wildly different to us.

It turns out I was right about some of the challenges that owning a dog brings. It's heartbreaking to leave him home alone, like we did for 7 hours a day in Philly. He would cry and bark and pee on the floor, and it caused an issue with our neighbor and our building. We put him through the wringer of every anxiety-relieving tool on the market, and they all failed, some worse than others. And we certainly had to duck out of get-togethers early to make sure he was okay, and we always have a tough time leaving him for more than a day or two at a time.

Alfie looking a bit more dapper

But what he brings to us is so much more than that, and for me, it's often framed in a way that makes me realize how much better MY LIFE is with him. When I look at him, passed out on the couch like he is a good 8 hours a day, it gives me all the warm, loving feelings. When I see him playing gently with a dog at the park or in the yard, I almost jump up and down (in part because this so rarely happens). Nobody likes to invest in hundreds of dog poop bags, but taking Alfie out for a walk 3 or 4 times a day is one of my favorite things to do, and cleaning up after him is part of the deal. Even when I have to pay hefty vet bills or hold his head while he's getting his latest round of shots, I'm reminded of how important it is to take care of him so that he can continue to bring joy to my life. Here's a dog who, 3 years ago, was confined to sleeping in a crate every night. And we can only guess what his life was like before that. Now, he has a cozy spot in the middle of a queen-sized bed pressed up against the warmth of his family. When Siobhan and I are out of town and don't have him with us, there's a hell of a lot more room in the bed, but there's also a missing 17-pound fluff ball who causes us to look at each other and say, "I hope he's having a good night."

We've made several friends specifically because we have a dog, and we've met at the dog park or out for a walk. Between Alfie and Siobhan's outgoing personality, it's made me much more comfortable talking to people I pass on the street, something that I never would have done 5 years ago. And we feel particularly bonded with our other friends who have dogs, because we can share stories and pictures together, and we get excited to go see them and spend time with their dogs, just as they are excited to see Alfie.

It doesn't just all magically happen. You don't get a dog to be an accessory, you don't get a dog just to be there when you get home from work. But if you're willing to go all in on it, and you're willing to take the steps necessary to provide a good life for your pet, the dividends that you get in return are innumerable.

Many people are judgmental about adopting dogs versus getting them from a breeder. As of right now, I know that I would strongly advocate adopting, but I try not to let my personal feelings affect how I view others. In many cases, dog breeding is a dangerous and careless practice, which leads to overrun puppy mills and females who are over-bred and kicked to the curb. But a lot of the time, breeders are incredibly careful and loving. They want to produce good dogs that people are going to love. You just have to make sure you're going to the right place. All that matters in the end is that you're treating the dog right, and you're giving it a good home.

If you're in the market, though, I would highly suggest that you take at least one trip to the shelter, just to see if there's one there that captures your attention. You can find all kinds of dogs in the shelter -- even fancy designer breeds like cockapoos. And adopting a dog from a shelter even gives you the self-esteem boost of telling people that he or she is a rescue. (But if you can, please don't. The term "rescue" is almost losing its meaning with how often people boast about it.) It's amazing the positive difference you can make by taking one of these dogs and giving it a good, loving home. And it's equally amazing the positive difference that dog can make in your life. So please, give your conscience a rest and open your mind to the possibilities of selfish behavior. Adopt a dog.

#076 - Bringing Home to our House

In 36 hours, we'll pack up our stuff and leave Charlotte, and we won't see it again until July. This has left me feeling pretty anxious, at least to the point where I'm making use of this time to write about it.

I have my moments where I still can't decide what place exactly "feels like home". There are days when I wake up and I can't believe I'm out of Philadelphia, let alone all the way in North Carolina. Charlotte doesn't necessarily have the same emotional pull for me that Philly does, even now -- but let me clarify, I mean Charlotte the city itself. The things that I have here in Charlotte are phenomenal, and I'd never be able to get by without them -- Siobhan, Alfie, our house, our friends -- but the city itself doesn't hold the same type of meaning (yet). I don't get the same excitement from seeing the skyline, or from approaching the airplane landing, as I do in Philly. It doesn't necessarily mean I want to move back. There are things here that I love and wouldn't want to leave, like Siobhan's job that she's become very invested in, the neighborhood that we live in and the future growth that is going to happen, the fact that we were able to buy a great house for an affordable price with a nice backyard, our growing dog sitting business, the warmth and lack of snow shoveling, and my growing comfort with managing my time while working at home. It's all great, and I would say that it's been an awesome experience, but honestly, I think the "experience" ended after about 6 months, and now it's just life.

So it was definitely a welcome sight this past month to have so many family members come down and visit us in our new home. My mom scheduled a visit for the weekend after we moved in, which was awesome because it was the first time she had come to see us and she didn't have to stay in our frat-party apartment building. At first I was worried that we would still be in the process of moving and our house would be a wreck, but it was actually great timing because we moved in fairly quickly and she was able to be here to help us settle in a little bit and put some home-y touches on.

Two weeks later, my sister Ashley flew down for a work event, which is just a crazy coincidence because Charlotte's the only place outside of Philadelphia that her job operates. It was a little bit bittersweet for her I'm sure because she was here on Mother's Day away from her kids, but it was awesome to hang out with her in some beautiful weather, sitting outside at the brewery with a break from being a mom. Thankfully by this time we had all our cable and internet set up so I didn't have to drive back to the apartment during the day to work, but unfortunately this was when our air conditioning decided to stop working. We had it assessed through our home warranty and they determined it needed a new evaporator coil, which I assumed would only take a few days to replace (uh huh, try three weeks). I was a bit concerned that we were going to be welcoming in my sister to our sweltering house and she wouldn't be able to sleep the night before her work event, but luckily it wasn't terribly hot and I rented a couple window A/C units to keep it comfortable. She was kind enough to invite us out to the charity fundraiser dinner she coordinated the next day at a nearby Country Club, which was quite an experience -- turns out the wealthy, successful and generous can tell a good story or two. I'd like to give them a quick plug right now, not for any reason except that I think what they do is great and not pretentious or self-serving in any way, and also my sister is the steady locomotive that keeps the operation running and I'm incredibly proud of her. It's called Michael's Way and they help fund out of pocket expenses for families of sick children: http://www.michaelsway.org/

With the daily cycle of working and living your own lives, and with the help of technology like FaceTime, it's easy sometimes to forget that I'm 500 miles from my family. It's not as if I'd be seeing them on a random Thursday anyway, but when Ashley was leaving to head back home and I was dropping her off at the airport, it definitely hit me that now she has to take a flight down to see us, when previously we were only a half hour drive away. In other ways, though, it made me proud to be able to have her here and show her around, give her a little bit of our experience of living here. Since I've really become an "adult", I've always looked up to my sisters to give me a little bit of guidance as far as how things are supposed to be done. It was nice to show her that, even though we love and miss everyone up in PA, we're doing pretty well here and are very happy with what we have.

A week or so after that, Siobhan's parents came down to visit us and see us in the new house. I would say that I'm lucky to have the in-laws that I have -- I'm not sure if lucky is the right word exactly, but I think it's close. I love Siobhan and I was thrilled to be able to marry her. To have such a great relationship with her parents is really just an added bonus and not something I could have had any control over. I get just as excited for them to come visit as I do for my own parents. I enjoy that they have similar interests to us -- when they visit us, they like to go out and appreciate a good meal and good drinks, they're happy to take Alfie (and whatever guest pups we have) out for walks and don't mind when one of them jumps into bed, and we usually end every night by getting furiously bitter with one another playing euchre. They're also incredibly helpful around the house, which came in handy this time because I was about to rip my hair out trying to fix an issue with our washing machine and Rob went out of his way to find a solution for me.

While they were here, we decided to have a little housewarming party with our Charlotte friends, which was a good time. It really gave us a chance to have a bunch of people coming into OUR home, and it was a great feeling to see people having a good time. It wouldn't have been the same experience without the help of Rob and Philis, who are vets at the dinner party game. I was grateful to have them here helping, just as I'm grateful that they play such a big role in my life.

As we prepare to pack up and head back, I'm wondering how it's going to feel seeing our old city and visiting our old neighborhoods now that we own a house here in Charlotte. I have a little bit of a weird psychological response to going back to my old houses -- even this past month, when I had to go back to our apartment building in South End, I was struck when I saw how many people were still there, even people newly moving in. Some part of my brain feels like, if I'm moving away from a place, that means EVERYONE is moving away from it. Of course I know that the places we've left are still perfectly good places to live, but it's just a knee jerk reaction that I can't believe other people are still there. So I'm curious to see what type of reaction I'll have to heading back to Philly. I'm excited to see our friends and family that we haven't seen for six months, but it's definitely bittersweet to be leaving our new home for so long. We're going to miss our bed, miss our deck and our yard, miss the neighbors on our street that have become such good friends in a short time. But it's a necessary trip, combining several family get-togethers, weddings, and outings with friends all in one. Not quite a vacation as I will still be working pretty much every day, and Siobhan will be taking a week to go for a school training in Colorado. It'll be invaluable to get this much quality time with our families, and we're looking forward to hitting some of our favorite restaurants in the city, but I'm a little nervous about waking up every day and wondering how things are going down here, crossing my fingers that there are no problems, and missing the comforts of the place that we've come to call our home.

#075 - Joys of Homeownership

So, to steal from John Oliver, just time for a quick recap of the week:

We bought a house.

It's a solid little Craftsman-style 3 bed / 2 bath place in a neighborhood called Villa Heights just outside of Uptown Charlotte. And it's great. I can say I never would have expected that we'd be buying a house 8 months after moving here, but this whole thing just kind of took off and we lucked into a great house right within our budget.

So, with that good news taken care of front and center, I will say the whole home-buying process has led me into some interesting thought processes. Bear with me.

I've had a pretty easy life.

In no way do I mean this to be self-congratulatory, because I genuinely believe most of these things to be the benefit of existential good luck. I was born in a first-world country. My parents worked hard and provided everything I needed as a child. I was raised in a safe neighborhood in a great suburban town. I don't know how difficult it is to go without necessities. I grew to be 6-foot-5 despite the fact that my parents are 5-foot-9. I lived in a town with a great school system. I graduated in the top 10 in my high school class, and I got PLENTY of sleep. I got into every college I ever applied to, even when those more deserving were left out. My first and only full-time job was a benefit of having a friend who gave her boss my name. And even then, I only got the job because my best friend couldn't take it. I've never been punched in the face. In fact, I could probably say I've never really been punched, period. I've never broken a bone or torn a ligament. The only fracture I've had was in my pinkie -- my LEFT pinkie. The only woman I ever asked to marry me said yes. And, even though I'm convinced it will happen every single time, I have yet to be in a plane crash.

I realize I'm invoking every possible jinx there is by saying all of this, but I do appreciate the good fortune I've had throughout my life. Normally stress is not something I even think about. I have it good, why should I be stressed? I say all of this now, because as I've been dealing with the difficulties of buying a house and moving in the last month, I've come to realize that it's the most stress I've ever been under for an extended period of time -- in my life.

I've kind of made a mountain out of a ... pitcher's mound? ... with this whole process, and I'm realizing it now. It's not that moving has been hard or that we ran into issues with our mortgage or anything, it's just been a constant stream of one thing after another that I've felt I needed to take care of immediately or suffer the consequences. We needed to secure a mortgage at the best rate possible, so I tackled that goal. We needed to find someone willing to take over our lease at our apartment, which turned into a terribly long process with several people showing interest and then backing out at the last minute. Until finally we found someone, who disappeared and stopped contacting me for a week. Even as I write this, I'm still only about 90% sure that they're going to take it, despite the fact that they've signed all the paperwork. I'm a person who has almost no issue spending a lot of money in tiny chunks, but when it comes to losing a whole month's rent on an apartment that we don't need, it makes me irrationally angry. Once that was done, we needed to pack and move. And we wanted the house cleaned ahead of time, which went smoothly. And we wanted all our services initiated before moving in -- water, gas, electric, internet. The gas company informed us of an unsafe condition on our stove that was never mentioned, so we had someone come out and fix it. The internet is still not on, despite me calling every day this week and being told, "All you need to wait for is someone to come by your house and turn the switch on outside." Amazingly, that process can take up to 5 days. It's not as if I work from home and need internet to do my job or anything. Then we had some electricians come to the house to put in some lights and network some cables, which took the better part of 11 hours, when they estimated it'd take 6. Which meant Siobhan and I waited around the house, holding Alfie on a leash so he wouldn't bother them, sitting and hearing them gripe about how difficult the job had become. All the while, we were getting used to living in a new house in a different neighborhood -- one that is definitely in a transition and causes me to get out of bed and check the locks twice before I go to sleep.

I'm sure all of these things are standard parts of being a homeowner. Anyone who reads this probably has several horror stories that go way deeper and might have made me break down in tears. But that kind of goes back to my first point, that I'm really not used to things like this, and I'm amazed that so many people choose to take on this task. I know that it'll be well worth it, hopefully as soon as tomorrow, when we'll be able to sit back in our house with all the initial fixes done, and just enjoy the fact that we now own this tiny piece of Charlotte. For right now, I'm just looking forward to that time.

Now that I've taken some time to reflect on it, I'm able to put all of these things into perspective in a better way, but for the last three weeks, not so much. I had a difficult time not taking the blame for every hiccup along the way. It made me feel like I was not prepared in the right way, or I was expecting too much of other people. One of the things that locks up my gut is the idea that my choices might be ruining someone else's day, and even more so when that person is my wife. At some point, she sat me down to tell me that I had been ignoring all of her ideas about the house and focusing solely on my own. She was right. I batted away every suggestion she had as if it wasn't important. That's a crummy way to treat any person, and an awful way to treat the most important person in your life. I had given more compassion to the contractors who I was paying a handsome rate.

When we first got engaged, we spoke with a pre-marital counselor, who we had chosen to be our officiant. In those discussions, one of the continual thoughts my wife had was that we needed to constantly work to make our marriage better. At the time, it seemed silly. We were so excited just to be together, how could we ever not be on the same page? Well, here's the answer. I ended up on a different page from her not because I sat down and decided to, but because I was simply barreling down my own path, clearing everything else in my way. That's where constant work comes in -- how can I stop myself from doing this the next time?

In some ways, I'm grateful for this experience, and the challenges that have come with it. I've learned a lot, and hopefully I've developed a little bit better stress management, though that's something I would prefer not to test any time soon. Even after all of that, I'm again struck by how fortunate I've been. Every time something came up, there was always someone I could talk to to help resolve the situation. I'm never on my own, even when I feel like I'm on my own. So thank you, to everyone, for that. It's pretty cool to know so many good people.

Now if you'll excuse me, I probably have to call my internet provider again, I haven't yet today.

#074 - Six Months South

As of February 1, it's been six months since we left Philadelphia and moved into our new place in Charlotte. Six months seems to be the first point of intersection between, "It's only been six months," and, "I can't believe how long we've been here." I think I have a weird relationship with time in that sense -- sometimes things seem equal parts very recent and quite long ago.

Charlotte's been a great place. It's amazing to think how little we knew about it before we decided to pack up our Philly life and come here, but I can say we haven't been disappointed. The winter weather has been very nice, we've had several days in the 60s and 70s even though it's January/February, and I don't mind it at all. Siobhan mentioned something about warm weather not really feeling like Christmastime, but I couldn't care less how cold or snowy it is on Christmas or any of the winter holidays. We've really enjoyed our time exploring the area. The neighborhood we live in has at least 4 breweries that I can think of within walking distance, and we go to them quite frequently. There aren't quite as many restaurants that we can walk to, but there are plenty within a short drive or Uber. (UberX rides are typically $5 - $8 to go pretty much anywhere we choose, which has been a welcome change.) And maybe I'm just buying into the cliche, but generally speaking people seem to be very friendly. Today we walked down a street we had never been on before, and a man said hello to us from across the way, and then told us how excited he is about the Panthers in the Super Bowl. The cashiers and baggers at the grocery stores we go to are always incredibly nice, and while that's a bit of a trend in the overall grocery store industry, it makes that Southern hospitality ring true.

Of course, that's not to say we don't miss home -- well, the "home" we've thought of as home for so long. The neighborhood we left in Philly will probably always stay with us as some of the best years of our lives. We miss the Schuylkill trail, and the restaurants so close by, and the dog park half a block away. Some people reading this might be like "Huh??" about the dog park, but it was a really huge part of our day. Alfie was there twice a day almost every day, and it was such a great place for us to go and unwind and see him scamper his little butt around with his friends. We made several friends at that park, people who ended up being really close, and who we were excited to go back and see when we were in town over Christmas. We just don't have that same experience here. I've taken Alfie to the dog park 5 or 6 times, and they are much bigger and dustier, much more suited for rugged outdoorsy dogs (and not our pampered little cockapoo). And the parks are a short drive away, nothing that we can walk to. Right after we moved, it was kind of embarrassing when our parents first asked us what we missed the most, because you'd think the typical answer would be friends or family. But it's the things that you don't even really think about that are probably what you end up really missing the most. Like the dog park. Or how many places we had within walking distance in Philly that we didn't have to worry about not drinking so we could drive there, or paying for an Uber to get us home. And while many of the restaurants we've been to here are very good (especially BBQ), we definitely miss a lot of the places we used to go in Philly, and finding a good pizza place has a constant struggle. (Before we ask for pizza suggestions from other people, we make sure they're from the northeast.) And frankly I have yet to eat a burger in Charlotte that measured up to four or five places I can think of in Philly. Some of that has been offset by delicious BBQ and biscuits, but for me, knowing where to get a delicious burger is almost an essential part of living. So much so that when we were home over Christmas, we went to Good Dog in the city and I nearly shed a tear over my meal of a burger and a Yards Philly Pale.

I think it's become a pretty typical thing to compare Philly and Charlotte, and of course I've done it a bunch myself and within this post, but when our families ask us, "Well, are you staying or coming back?" I don't really have a good answer. It's like two good options. When we left Philly and everything that we had there, I knew in many ways it would always be my home, and it would always be a place we could go back to if we were stuck. But Charlotte's a good option too. Charlotte's a great place if you like to be active and if you like to drink beer and if you don't necessarily mind getting in your car often. The last part I'm still working on, but there are a lot of positives to being here. We've found that making friends has kind of been an unusual experience, at least for a married couple in their late 20s/early 30s. It's a little bit like when you get to college -- you're all there for the same reasons, but you barely know anyone, so when you first start talking to someone you just kind of go, "Want to be friends?" We literally had that conversation with a couple who we met at a bar on the second or third night we were here. They were very nice, and at one point, the guy just said, "Hey are you guys in the market for friends? Because we are." We didn't really end up being friends, but the sentiment remains. In Philly, at least to me, it felt a little bit like everyone already had their own lives and their own circles. So many people here are transplants for work, and it kind of lumps you all into the same boat. A few months ago we were at a brewery (there's a common theme here) and we walked past a guy wearing an Eagles hat. I told him I liked the hat, something which is pretty common for me when I see someone sporting Eagles gear and I get excited. Two hours later, we were still sitting talking to the same people, and their story was so much like ours. We've had dinner with them twice and are in contact all the time. The more you talk to people, the more you realize this is how it goes here. And that's great. Having several good friends now has made the experience great. We've met several people in our building that have been really fun and easy to get along with. Our closest friends here live upstairs from us, and while we saw them constantly outside walking the dogs after we moved in, it never really clicked in until a chance dinner when we were both invited by a different couple. It's almost impossible for me to imagine our last six months of living here without these friends, and it all got spun into motion by a girl in the pool asking Siobhan, "Hey, are you new here? Come say hi." Very much like college -- a great college, where people aren't judgmental and cliquey. Maybe it's not like college at all.

All of that has definitely offset the sadness of being away from our friends and our family back home. As much as we like to stay home and watch movies and hang out with Alfie, we can only take so many nights of that before we go crazy. Being 500 miles away from family, it makes you want everyone to come visit constantly. But it's easy to understand how big of an undertaking that is, especially when people have their own plans and their own families and didn't expect for you to move a plane ride away. But it's hard not to be selfish. When I lived in Philly, I went through a stretch of four or five years where it seemed like I was saying good bye to all of my closest friends. First it was graduation from college, and everyone going off to their new careers or new grad schools. Then it was a bunch of people moving off to medical school, or to new jobs taking them all across the country, from one coast to another. I was so grateful to have that time with them, and so happy for them to be moving on to new opportunities, but a part of me still wished I could have everyone together in one place. Having my family nearby made it all go much smoother. I knew that I had them there, and I loved spending time with them, and there was this comfort of feeling like Philly would always be home because it's close to them. The same thing happened once I met Siobhan and her parents, and it became a part of our routine to go see them and have dinner and enjoy some time together. Now that I'm the one who left, it's weird to be on the other side. Of course I want people to come visit us, but I also want them to know that, even when we can't make it home for certain events that we would have been at if we were living there, that doesn't mean we don't think about them any less or wish we could be there any less. We knew going into this that being away from the people we cared about was a part of the package, and I think that we've grown to be okay with it.

Thank you for reading. I don't necessarily love talking about myself that much, or expressing all of my thoughts in such a way, but it's nice for me to periodically sit down and collect myself enough to write this. I don't assume anyone is clamoring to know about our lives, but I do appreciate when people are interested.

#073 - PHL --> CLT

Over the past two months, we've seen a lot of blank stares when people ask us to tell them why we're moving to Charlotte. Naturally, it must be for a job. Or for family. Or for school. Something simple like that. It certainly hasn't been that simple, just trying to explain in one or two words why we decided to move, and most of the time saying "Because we want to" doesn't seem to do the trick.

I've probably explained it to a few people before, but the concept is pretty straightforward: we came and visited, and liked it, and decided to do it. There were many more steps in the path here, but that was the gist. Throughout late winter we spent a heck of a lot of time looking at houses in the Philadelphia suburbs to purchase and move out of the city. We wanted to be close to family, close to the city, but in a house with more than one bedroom that we could actually afford. So we narrowed our choices and started looking along the Main Line outside Philly, and found a handful of houses that we really liked.

Eventually we pulled the trigger on a 4-bedroom house in Bryn Mawr that was a very reasonable price. But the process was rushed, we had to put an offer in on it quickly because it was a low price for the area and we wanted to beat everyone to the punch. When the offer was accepted, we knew we would have to put in some time to make sure 100% that this was going to be the house for us. So we went to take another visit and spend some time there, and in the neighborhood. Some concerns started to come up, like a number of renovations we'd like to have done and the fact that the house had no yard and was alongside a number of run-down older homes. There were incredibly narrow sidewalks and cars zooming down the street much faster than they should have been, but the house was still big and was only steps away from a neighborhood park. When we went through the inspection and found we'd need to make several changes to the roof and to some plumbing, it further cemented our sinking feeling that maybe this wasn't the right thing for us to do. We weren't certain that this was the house we wanted to be in for the next 5 years. We couldn't dedicate that much time and money to a place that didn't feel like home.

I felt like a real jerk backing out on a housing contract, but many things I read assured me that it's a common thing to do and that we shouldn't feel bad because it's a huge decision. My sister, who was our realtor during the process, made me feel more comfortable by handling it all and convincing me that our happiness was more important than sticking with the agreement. So we withdrew. $600 down for paying for the inspection, but in the end, it saved us from living in a place we weren't sure we liked.

After that whole experience, we were kind of a crossroads. We were coming up on the end of a lease in our condo in Philadelphia, which was great but had only one open-walled bedroom with no doors and no space at all for guests. It was time to move, but we wanted to take a break from looking for houses for a bit. It just so happened that we had a trip scheduled in early April to visit Charlotte, NC and Columbia, SC for Siobhan's birthday. She had signed up for a half marathon in Columbia where we could meet up with her friend, and her cousin lives in Charlotte where we wanted to go visit. So we flew into Charlotte and drove to Columbia for the race, then came back to Charlotte to spend the rest of the weekend. Her cousin Silver and Silver's husband Jesse were very kind to host us. They did a good job of showing us around a couple of neighborhoods and took us into the city center for dinner and a baseball game. The weather was great and we met a ton of very friendly people, many of whom had just recently moved to Charlotte. It's in the midst of a boom the last few years with banking pulling in tons of new employees and job transfers to the area, and there are apartment buildings going up on every corner.

In talking to some of these people, whether it be out at bars or restaurants or a dog park bar (that's a bar mixed with an off-leash dog park, basically the best thing ever), we heard the same thing coming out of everyone's mouths: "You should just move down here, you'll love it." It was kind of a nice thought at first, "Yeah, we could totally move down here, why not?" And then it became, "Well, why not? Really?" We saw a sign for an open house in the neighborhood and walked to go check it out. The house was beautiful and the realtor was very nice, offering to talk to us more if we'd like to discuss a possible relocation.

Walking back from the open house, we talked about it, the reality of doing it, whether we'd be able to secure jobs or keep jobs or afford it generally. Then over the next few days we talked about it some more. Whether we'd be okay leaving the friends and family we had in the Philadelphia area. Whether Alfie would enjoy it. (On that one we were pretty certain it was a 'yes'.) Ultimately the feeling was that we'd have to do it band-aid style: just go with it and stop deliberating the possibilities. If you know me at all, I think you'd understand how difficult I found that to be. I tried to stop myself from envisioning all angles--"What if we hate it?" "What if we love it???"--and the only way I was remotely able to do that was seeing how confident Siobhan was with everything. I figured, just like she figured, that if there was ever a time to do something kind of impulsive like this, it was now, while we're freshly married and without a ton of responsibility and can pack up all of our belongings into a relatively small space.

The biggest hurdle I think we had to clear was employment. Siobhan was okay with leaving her job at Penn, even though it was a pretty good one. She hoped to find another job, maybe at a university or maybe teaching at a school, since teachers were in higher demand in North Carolina than Pennsylvania. I wasn't interested in leaving my job. I'm kind of in the middle of working on everything, and knowing that there was a possibility that the move was not going to be permanent, I didn't want to throw myself into a move and a job hunt all at the same time. I was incredibly nervous to discuss it with my bosses, in part because I didn't want them to tell me that they wouldn't be okay with it and therefore we couldn't move, and in part because I was worried they'd tell me that they would be okay with it, and therefore we would move. When I finally mustered up the courage, it turned out that, yes, they were pretty surprised and certainly not thrilled, but ultimately supportive. I work for a terribly small company of only 5 people, with almost zero changes in personnel over the last 8 years, so if I were to leave it'd be a big change to handle. In the end it was easier for me to stay at my job so that I could keep doing what I was doing and knew how to do, and it was easier for them to keep me on so that they wouldn't have to worry about deciphering everything I had written since 2007.

Once we knew the move was possible, we double- and triple- and quadruple-checked ourselves that it was definitely what we wanted. And since we were doing it together, we decided it was. It's been kind of funny, so many people that we tell say, "Oh I wish I could just pick up and move like that. It'd be great." Well, it is great, but after doing it myself, I think more people definitely could. It's just something that people say, either because they don't want to sound negative, or because it's a dull excuse for them to not do something they say they'd like to. Before all of this stuff started, I was one of the last people in the world interested in moving. I love Philadelphia, both of us love Philadelphia, and we were incredibly comfortable and happy living there. We were a short drive from family and close to friends and activities and jobs. There was nothing not to like. But we had never really been out of the area. And the chance to do something like this wouldn't be around forever. At the risk of sounding like some fluffy life counselor, moving gives you a chance to learn a little bit more about yourself. Will you keep doing the activities that you were doing before, or will you find new ones? For me, it was almost essential to find a basketball league as soon as I could, and 24 hours after arriving here, I was in the gym playing pickup with a bunch of strangers. It's something that I'd probably go crazy without. Siobhan was able to find a running group in the first week. Moving can give you the opportunity to learn how to talk to people you don't know, which is something that I'm working on and Siobhan is already quite good at. It's been pretty good so far for my logistical skills of learning a new place, new roads, new names. And, especially since I'm now working at home, it's given me a chance to be okay hanging out alone, or, you know, alone with just Alfie. There are a lot of positives to be gained from an experience like this, so if you're thinking, "I wish I could," well, then just do it. Or don't do it. Either way, just feel good about your decision. We would have been happy to stay in Philadelphia, and we're happy to be here in Charlotte. A year ago, I wouldn't have believed that we'd do this, but now we're in a different place and we're excited to be making the most of it.